The Heart Of The Matter

I woke up from a nap after a long day at work, my feet were tired and heavy-- but my feet were not the main thing that keeps weighing me down. I was never the type to sleep completely naked and vulnerable, I like having complete control of myself. But lately, I just feel completely lost that I decided to take off all my clothes and feel the ground; like really feel my presence and everything that surrounds me. As I lay flat on my bed feeling every fiber of the covers and the duvet, it just hit me... I am not here. Sure I am physically present, but my mind, my soul, my heart, they are somewhere else. I am not here, at least not yet. I keep myself busy with work, I exhaust myself from working Mon-Sun to keep myself preoccupied and distracted from the fact that I am completely broken and lost. It's like I am so detached from reality... sometimes it feels like I am on a dream that I can't wake up from, that my mind and soul keep wandering around. It also doesn't help that we are currently changing seasons here in Canada, I always get seasonal depression, I have a love/hate relationship with winter, the night depresses me. I just don't know what is wrong with me anymore... I keep listening to my zodiac readings, hoping I could get some sense from the universe about what is out there for me. That maybe there is something else that I can look forward to. But the more I search for myself, the deeper I get trap and lost, the deeper my feet pull out the ground. 

As I was laying down cold and naked, I felt my chest sinking deeper into the bed. Why is my heart so heavy? why can't it be lighter? I don't know what is wrong with me.. sure my biggest heartbreak that happened 10years ago might still be affecting me, but fuck it, I just want to stop giving my ex the credit why I am so broken-- why I still can't fix myself, why I keep having these talks with my husband that I want to separate, all because I am completely out of touch with my married life.. 

Sometimes I don't even feel like I belong to someone anymore, nor do I want to belong to someone. Through the years I felt so content with doing my own thing and enjoying my own company.. but now, I have to be a wife to someone-- which is weird saying it out loud even for me. It's like a huge task that gets so overwhelming. I don't trust myself with big tasks because I feel like I break everything that I touch. But my husband has always been so patient with me, he's perfect, so trusting, forgiving, and lenient to the point that I feel like I am married to a wall. lol careful what you wish for in a husband coz you just might get it. lmao

But in all seriousness, I just feel like I am probably having a mid-life crisis at the age of 30. Maybe I am feeling burnout that I am starting to lose my shit. But if all else fails, despite the heavy heart, I am still very much thankful to be alive today. I know some of you might be worried that I might have some suicidal thoughts, no I certainly do not. I love LIFE so much that for many years, I've thought about getting a tattoo that says "Lust for Life", and with my many years of dwelling into the world of watching true crimes and listening to cold cases and murder stories, I have come to realize that I might be a bit psychopath, and psychopaths do not kill themselves because they love themselves too much. lol I guess what I am really trying to say is that I am currently on a break, taking a hiatus for a while, until I am feeling myself again.

If there's anything good that comes out of this, it's that I am now back to blogging where it all started. x